I wanted to get a fresh perspective on my essay so I asked my dad to look at it and give me some feedback, he used to be an English teacher and lecturer. I found the feedback very useful, I have been trying to fine tune my bit by bit and had lost sight of the overall format. He gave me some suggestions on the order I have included quotes which I have taken on board and tried to remodel my essay to make it easier to understand and to show the progression of my essay question and research. I have removed some of the quotes that either didn't completely fit the structure of the essay or were similar to other quotes that I think communicated my research more effectively. So far I have trimmed my essay down from 5000 words to around 3500 and don't think it has had a detrimental effect. I am still struggling with the order of a few sections of the essay and think I need to improve the way I have summarised my research in certain sections but overall I feel I am making some good progress and that the essay will work as an effective summary of my research.
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